Flirting is the weirdest. When I first tried it I actually had to ask my best friend (who happens to be an experienced guy and my life counsellor) how to do it. He was like:
“Try not to be awkward.”
“Um, mate, I’m the most awkward person that has ever walked the earth. I’m a complex concentration of more awkwardness than the gangly teenage boy that stares at you while listening to your conversation in the deserted corner of the classroom.”
He said to me:
“I have an idea, it’s crazy though. How about you try flirting with me so I can show you the ropes?”
“Okay. *quietly waits for further instructions while dying inside*.”
So here we were flirting with each other, well he was, but my attempts at flirtatious behaviour were the equivalent of an ant trying to swim with a brick on it’s back. I’ve never been in a situation more awkward than that one, it took me 5 minutes to formulate a reply that didn’t even cut the mark. We flirted for a good ten minutes, and then I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I was worn out.
See, the thing was, he was actually giving me a crash course on how to flirt with my other best friend, which was literally the funniest thing ever. My attempts at trying to get him to understand what I wanted consisted of making eye contact that most probably looked like an eyeball spasm and… that was it. But hey, there was this one time where I could have sworn I saw a flicker of recognition in his eyes during one of those prolonged staring sessions. At least I have a perfect photo in my memory of what colour his eyes are. A++ for me.
To be honest a few months ago I was totally anti-flirting. I was so scared to even look at people. But now? I’m actually nuts, and probably leading the race of the most awkward flirter in my friendship group. Now, instead of being just plain strange, I channel my weirdness into winking at my friends regularly, sending mixed emotional signals, whispering in people’s ears and yes, touching my friend’s feet for no particular reason.
I look back at myself, and sometimes I wish I had my old self back, but honestly, this is just who I am now, a hot as hell animal. Just kidding about the hot bit.
By the way, shout out to my friends at the writing group, you’ve all been incredibly supportive of this blog, and you’re honestly all the coolest people. I hope you let me back into the squad now that you know the truth about me…